CLFN

you were not perfect and you did not respect me all the time, and the fact that you believed - no, probably still believe these things is hilarious in the same way that corpses that look like they’re smiling due to decomposition is hilarious. you had it real fucking easy, kiddo, and you still do. you don’t have to go past my house on the train whenever you’re trying to visit fucktoy of the month like i do yours. i remember when you said during the breakup that you forgot i was a person, and that’s when it drove home how easy you had it.

it was hilarious that i didn’t even want to date you in the first place but you were still so insistent on making me dependent on you, it was hilarious when you finally broke and realized you didn’t want that dependency, it was even more hilarious when you tried to maintain that dependency after the breakup regardless. these tears in my eyes are from laughter.

our love was a work of satire, greater than anything by swift or twain, but i guess it flew over your head.

my skin is soft and the scalpel is sharp. my skin is soft and the scalpel is sharp. my skin is soft and the scalpel is sharp. my skin is soft and the scalpel is

Sometimes I turn around and catch the smell of you and I cannot go on I cannot fucking go on without expressing this terrible so fucking awful physical aching fucking longing I have for you. And I cannot believe that I can feel this for you and you feel nothing. Do you feel nothing?
—Sarah Kane, 4.48 Psychosis (via quotes-shape-us)

i have found you in someone else, goodbye

diary, cont.

i’m not very good at keeping this because i don’t have the energy to do most things any more but i had my tests today. my vision has gotten worse and i have to wear my glasses all the time now to see if my blurriness and headaches go away. there were no lumps behind my eyes though which is always comforting. the ent couldn’t find any wax blockages in my ear canals which is scary because that means that there is something deeper causing the hearing problems. i’m getting my ears syringed in a few weeks anyway maybe though. i’m sad because i can’t work in the cath lab until this is over. i’m very tired and each day gets more difficult and i think i figured out why medicine has the highest suicide rate of any field. it has been three weeks since our breakup and three days since our anniversary and i miss you so bad please let me die i want to die

diary, day 1

i’m sorry i didn’t start this until now but i got crushed under the weight of the good times and sat and thought about sitting in the bathtub with you and smoking and the crazy lies we would tell to cover up the fact that we were smoking and i only just looked at the clock so sorry.

i went to the gp today and i was a bit scared because i couldn’t get my usual one and instead got some stocky ginger man who i lovingly nicknamed dr rorschach. you will not understand that nickname and thus will not understand how intimidating he was. he cringed when i told him my symptoms but took some blood and booked me some vision and hearing tests for monday because he thinks that my vision might have gotten worse. that would explain the headaches and the anger and the blurred vision. he explained that he will not book me a ct scan until these results get back to him because they are expensive and he doesn’t want to piss off the hospital and the waiting list is long anyway, but i think he was trying to make me feel not-scared. this is at least progress. i’m very afraid and i miss you

I am fine,more than fine,Not getting angry.I’m being assertive.

I am growing faster than I thought and it is startling

—ZDK-12 (IRIS)
a confession??

i may have said this a million times or at least some fractions of it but just hear me out

the moment i met you, cheesy as this is gonna sound, i was enamored by you. i can’t lie, i’m not sure why i felt this, you’re just another human being i met at pride, but that’s how i felt, how i still feel after a year and too-many-months. i can’t lie and say that it was your eyes or your smile or the way that your cute curly hair trailed down your back in ringlets and reminded me of the looped stitches in my favourite plushie because those things matter but i would still love you without them, more than anything. and it definitely wasn’t your low cut top, because although your body is the most beautiful i’ll ever see, the sex is trivial. what i feel for you cannot be contained by flesh and blood. i’m scared that this feeling follow me even when i leave this world.

you’re not gonna believe me, but you know what the best part of the sex was for me? when everything was done and we were holding each other and i was staring at you (for as long as i could without getting shy anyway), just like the first time i met you at pride. our first hug. our first kiss.

there is something about you, beyond your appearance, beyond even your intelligence and your morals and your interests and your strength and your kindness. i don’t know what it is and it drives me crazy, now more than ever, but at the same time it pushes me towards being a better person, wanting more out of my own life and putting in the effort to get it. i guess you could say that you’re my muse, there’s this fucking distinctive beauty within you that i just can’t find anywhere else. and trust me, it’s not for lack of searching. i don’t know if other people see it in you, but i hope they do, i’m positive they do, and if they don’t, please don’t waste your time on them.

i’m typing on autopilot now. i guess more than anything i’m sorry. sorry that i can’t tell you this via voice, sorry that things ended up this way, sorry that i didn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated sometimes. trust me when i say that i regret that more than anything.

you don’t even need to hear this next part, but i need to say it. i miss you. i miss you like hell and i would go to the ends of the universe if i thought it would give me even a slim chance of (very undeserved, selfish) redemption. if i thought it would bring you back. it’s horrible and selfish to feel this way and you’ve said that if i truly loved you i would leave you be, and maybe you’re right. i don’t know.

what i do know is that i’ll always be here, for whatever. i couldn’t expect you to change your mind. as much as i’ve wanted to reach out to you and tell you that maybe this breakup was good for us (even though it hasn’t been good for me at all) but it’s a chapter of our life we need to put behind us, that we should learn from it and continue on together as a couple, that i’ve seen couples survive so much worse and grow stronger from it, that being afraid is not a good reason to not try, and that if everyone ran as soon as things headed south we would not have any major achievements as a species, it’s your choice. and i respect that. i might push the boundaries but i respect you so much. and i can never promise to be perfect, but i can try. harder than i ever have before. 

please, again, i couldn’t expect you to change your mind, i really don’t expect this to change anything, but if you ever do, whether that’s today, a month from now, a year from now, 10 years from now, please please please just know that i’ll always be here waiting, and this is how i feel. this is why i’m waiting.

anything.

anything.